a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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