She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
