just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
