She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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