God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
