god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
