I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
