I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
