So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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