I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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