There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
