I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
