dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
