My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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