I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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