i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
