I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
