a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
