My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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