Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
