My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
