Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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