haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
