I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
