Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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