i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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