1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
