All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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