So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
its not stalking. its research.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
