Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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