here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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