Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
