i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
