finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
