Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
