no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
