Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
