Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
