i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
