I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i will never coherently bang her
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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