I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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