the condom got lost in my hair
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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