He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
