Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize