Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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