The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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