i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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