I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
