I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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