That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
