Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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