Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just pee around me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
