Screwed.edu
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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