so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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