she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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