Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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