That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
