i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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