fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I understand Curling. That high.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
